Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
