Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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