Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
