not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
