my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
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I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
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I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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