every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
