PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
