our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
