you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Drunk is a universal language darling
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
