you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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