There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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