Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
