I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
