i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
