On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
