i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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