the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
