I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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