drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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