it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
her vagine was all disorganized.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
