I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
