We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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