Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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