I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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