somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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