I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
