how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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