I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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