Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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