I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
