Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
