I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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