I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The adults are the big ones right?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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