For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
