I am spending my child support on dildos
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
