You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
