Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
