we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
