Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
