I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
