I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
