After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
