Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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