I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
