im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
