mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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