she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
