if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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