And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i drank out of a bidet.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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