Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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