Apparently you make a good broom.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
