After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
is it fun? or sober?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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