dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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