Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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