FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
