i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
