apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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