you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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