Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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